The Transformers franchise has had its share of problems. Mainly:

-Transformers 1
-Transformers 2
-All of the Transformers look the same.
-All of the Transformers look stupid.
-The plots are insipid.
-The action is confusing.
-The Transformers have no personality or character arcs.
-Michael Bay
-Shia LaBeouf

So now we have #3 and shockingly, it’s the best of the series.  Don’t get me wrong, this is still crap.  Just more refined crap that isn’t as bad as the others… like the Black Eyed Peas vs. Glee covering the Black Eyed Peas.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (that title never gets any better) is the first 3D movie for Michael Bay.  Walking into the theater, I gave last rites for my eyes.  Thankfully,  the 3D was the best part of the movie.  Even in 2D, the benefits will be noticed.

In the previous Transformers, all the action was filmed with quick cuts and Shaky-Cam.  If a director does that in 3D, eyeballs explode (This also happens in 2D, but directors don’t seem to care).  Now, since Bay has to film action scenes like a normal person, everything stays in focus.  So when a robot rips the spine out of another, you can actually see what’s going on.  No more confusing metal-on-metal carnage in split-second Shaky-Cam.  Brilliant!  I was so shocked that I could follow the action, I doubted I was seeing a Michael Bay movie.  But just as those thoughts came to mind, the camera would slowly rotate around someone and I’d think, “Ah yes.  There we go.”

Sadly, that’s the only good part of this movie.  The plot is better, but still kinda dumb.  And speaking of dumb, Megan Fox was replaced by someone even more vapid.  Never thought that was possible.  And why does Shia LaBeouf still land acting roles?  The dude ignites a rage I leave reserved for doggie sweaters and social media experts.  Did you hear they might continue the Indiana Jones franchise with him?  This is why we can’t have nice things.

If you hated the other two, this one is worth a look.  If you loved the others, then you obviously will like anything, and you should go knock your socks off.

Grade: C+

Kristi’s Take…

Like my fellow movie muse-r (hey, it’s the only way to use a made up word without the red squiggle telling me how wrong I am, so just go with it) I was extremely ambivalent about the third installment of this franchise, but I was surprised that I didn’t gouge my eyes out half way through the movie.

My issues with the Transformer movies all revolve around the chaotic nature of the cinematography and the lack of a plot, but I was willing to keep trying for my beloved Bumblebee. Bay definitely cleaned up his act with this film by giving it a somewhat workable plot and with some unusual casting choices. I also have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the original television footage used from the moon landing, the fake John F. Kennedy and a very special appearance by a very old astronaut.

Even though Bay apparently cleaned up his work I still think this film and the others are way to long and could use a good 1/2 hour chopped out of it somewhere (maybe the girlfriend stuff or the parents).

The lack of movie choices these past couple of weeks makes me want to give this movie a better rating than a C+, but I think the highest I could go is a B- and only it fulfills an action quota that most guys (and some gals) feel they need once a month.

This is waaaaay better than the new Selena Gomez movie, Monte Carlo. Don’t ask. I’m ashamed for myself. Just like I’m ashamed to say that I think Shia Labeouf (what a stupid name, his parents must hate him) is cute in that nerd/terrible actor kind of way.

Grade: C+ or B-

Did you ever have that one teacher that was so horrible that you will  never ever forget them? Well, this will be one of those movies that you never forget or forgive yourself for wasting time and money to see. It’s just like that bad teacher you hate to remember, but for some reason they just won’t leave your memories alone!

The premise of the film is that Cameron Diaz’s character is a teacher who doesn’t care a whit about her students or her job. Her only goal in life is to marry someone wealthy. In order to do this she plots and schemes to win the man of her dreams.

This film was filled with unnecessary language that I’m assuming was supposed to make the film more appealing comically, while in reality all it did was make me shake my head and sigh. I just kept thinking of how harsh of a review I gave Green Lantern and at the time I would have given anything to be in the theater next door watching that instead of the horse manure that Bad Teacher flung at me.

The only redeeming quality about this movie was Jason Segel’s character. Segel actually delivered his lines well and was mildly funny, whereas Diaz and Timberlake were just awkward and pathetic.

Bad Teacher was a bad, bad movie and I give it a big fat D! Please if you want to see a movie and your options are between Bad Teacher and Green Lantern, then see Green Lantern! Or better yet save your money and wait for something better to come to theaters (or buy yourself something pretty).

Grade: D

John’s take…

Who spends money on a Cameron Diaz movie?

Who knows what you are going to get when you watch a Darren Aronofsky film? In, Requiem for a Dream, there were drugs, infected arms and editing techniques that film professors inevitably use in their intro to film classes. So, when the Black Swan previews started showing up on the internet I knew I had to see the movie.I mean seriously, who can say no to a preview that shows a ballerina picking black feathers out of her shoulder?

Black Swan was nominated in five categories in this years Academy Awards, but only won ‘Best Leading Actress’ for Natalie Portman’s role as Nina. Of course this film was up against: The King’s Speech, The Social Network, True Grit, The Fighter and 127 Hours.

The movie follows a young ballerina, Nina (Natalie Portman), who has been training her entire life to become the Prima ballerina for the New York City Company. The ballet that is chosen is Swan Lake, but with a twist, she has to play both the white swan and the black swan. As the film progresses we see how easily Portman’s character fulfills the role of the perfect, white swan, but has the inability to portray the evil, black swan.

This film is interesting because of the dual personality that we, the audience, sees as we watch Nina slowly go crazy. With vivid imagery Aronofsky shows us how Nina’s health mentally and physically decline as she tries to please those around her, but at the same time trying to please herself, literally and figuratively.

I watched this in a theater with my friend and maybe ten other people and I have to say that like Requiem for a Dream, Aronofsky used editing, cinematography and sound in a way that made me slightly uncomfortable, but always left me wanting to see more. I want to say it was like a car accident that looks absolutely gruesome and you want to look away, but can’t. In this case instead of being a horrible event, it was a work of art and beautiful. There are times when I disagree with content in films, but even the girl on girl and Nina’s masturbatory scenes in this film were necessary to furthering the character development, because that is what drives this film.

In the end I have to give this film an A+, but I will say that I don’t think this film is for everyone and if you don’t appreciate gruesome and somewhat explicit images, then stay away from this film.

Grade: A+

John’s Take…

Kristi and I get along so well because we are both damaged people who enjoy movies normal folks should avoid.  I don’t know why I enjoy movies like Black Swan, Oldboy, or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Maybe it’s because of the intense, raw emotion most movies don’t approach.  Maybe it’s because of my pain.  Or maybe it’s because I’m just drawn to well-told, unique stories that don’t fit the Hollywood mold.

Black Swan is a movie you’ll only need to see once.  Then you’ll see it again when you make friends watch it just to enjoy those pained, “WTF are you making me watch?!” expressions on their face.  For this one, a good drinking game could be invented for every time a friend yells out, “Stop cutting your nails!!”  Good times ahead.

Now what makes this movie so good is how it portrays our hero’s decent into darkness.  I gotta believe that’s a monumental task since there’s only two hours to make it believable.  Few movies get it right.  Hell, George Lucas had three whole films and failed miserably.  Aronofsky and Natalie Portman pull it off brilliantly and that Oscar was well deserved.

Like Kristi said, Black Swan is not for normal, well-balanced people.  I know you’re going to see it anyway, but for all that is good and holy, don’t see it with your parents.

Grade: A+

With few exceptions, children in movies annoy me.  Yeah the acting is usually bad, but too often, they are used to wrap up plots in ways that belong in a Scooby-Do cartoon (if it weren’t for you meddling kids….*shakes fist).  They are only cast to appeal to a demographic I’m sure does not exist.  It’s hard to explain the extent of my irritation, but I feel the same when Shia LaBeouf comes onscreen.  Maybe that helps.

It wasn’t always this way, of course.  During my formative years, I would pedal my way through the woods behind the school with my homies.  I remember finding a dog carcass wrapped in an American Flag.  That was like buried zombie treasure.  The movies at that age reflected these adventurous times.  There was E.T., Stand by Me, The Goonies, The Neverending Story (a-a-aa, a-a-aa, a-a-aaa) – all classics that sated my inner explorer in ways a trip through the woods couldn’t (like how I never found a pirate ship.  Stupid Oklahoma).  Super 8 brought me back to those happy times.

Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams project.  In all of his films, he never gives anything away in the trailers.  It’s sad that’s so unique.  Here, you know some crazy stuff goes down around a group of kids and a train crash.  That’s it.  There were four of us in our group and someone asked, “So, what’s this about?”  None of us had any idea.  Exactly the way it should be for every movie.

Oh, I forgot to mention lens flare.  The dude loves lens flare.

So will Super 8 become a classic like those others?  I guess that’s for another generation to decide.  But for me, it deserves a spot right next to them.

And Hollywood, ELO during the credits helps every movie.  Just sayin…

Grade: A

Kristi’s Take…

What do you get when you mix E.T, Predator, Alien, and Spiderus (Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends, yes, I did just spend two months with kids, so the cartoons are stuck in my head)? You get one helluva of a sentient being!

After watching Cloverfield and literally getting sick because of the hand-held camera technique, I was loathe to see another JJ Abrams movie anytime soon. With so much mystery surrounding these projects I sometimes wonder if Abrams spent too much time on Alias and Lost. Do we really need the cloak and dagger routine to get us hyped about a movie that could potentially be a waste of money?In this case I say YES! While I may hate the suspense, it got me to the theater and I was pleasantly surprised with the end result.

Super 8 is set in 1979 and follows a group of kids shooting a short film during their summer break (and !BONUS! it’s a zombie flick, which does play during the credits so don’t jump up and leave immediately). As they are filming at an old train station they witness THE train accident and chaos ensues.

As chaotic as things become for the characters the film itself is pleasantly well paced, extremely entertaining and suspenseful. The plot line may be a little cliche, but that’s what makes this movie work and fun to watch. Kids cursing, young love, a big sentient being stealing things and people, zombie movies and so much more are what make this a movie worth watching in the theater. This movie won’t have quite the same impact if you wait for it on DVD, so go see it in the theater while you can.

I will give this summer flick an A and hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.

Did anyone else notice that Super 8-Kristi’s Take, rhymes?! Yeah, I’m excited about that.

Grade: A

“In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power…Green Lantern’s LIGHT!”

Green Lantern is a story about a pilot, Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds), who is chosen to be the newest Lantern for the intergalactic group of peace keepers, the Green Lantern Corps. In order to save Earth from Parallax, a fear consuming creature, Jordan must harness the power of the Ring, which can only be done through strength of character and willpower.

Unfortunately for Hal Jordan and for those of us who unwittingly paid $7.50 a ticket, Greg Berlanti, Michael Green (both known for their writing on Everwood, yuck) and other writers ruined this summers unexpected streak of pretty decent comic book made into film adaptations. The ‘power of Green Lantern’s light’ has regrettably been used as a force of evil under the direction of Martin Campbell (The Mask of Zorro, Casino Royale, Edge of Darkness) and these so called writers and I fear for their future projects.

Starting this summer of right was: Thor (from the Avengers), having grossed around $2.4m and given a 77% rating on Rottentomatoes.com, it had some amazing CGI and a plot that all viewers could enjoy. X-Men: First Class followed weeks later and despite the negative hype it blew viewers away and renewed the faith of many fanboys and girls. Grossing around $24.1m puttomg this comic recreation on the top of the charts, but, Alas! the pleasure couldn’t last.

Green Lantern was a shoddy piece of work and as a student and lover of film I am disgusted by the lack of direction and cohesion of this film. It was like the actors decided that delivering their lines was unimportant and the editors obviously thought for some reason they could do a half-ass job of putting it all together. In the end it resulted in a catastrophe for all involved and that doesn’t even include some of the worst CGI I have ever seen.

The only redeeming quality in this film is the fact that we get to see Ryan Reynolds walk around in his knickers a portion of the time. Of course, if I really wanted to see that I could watch more than a few of his previous films in order to enjoy that lovely view.

I give this film a big C- and my heartfelt disapproval.

Grade: C-

I have a guest writer!  My evil cohort and fellow film addict, Kristi, will be joining the site next week.  Like most things in life, having a woman around will help classy-up the place.  This corner of the internet is probably too far gone to make much of a difference, but hey, it’s worth a shot.

Kristi will be writing her own reviews but in those times we both see a movie, things will get exciting.  The review will be like normal, but afterwards, you’ll see “John’s take…” or “Kristi’s take…” where we prove to you how the other of us has no taste and should be ignored.  I’m really excited about how many times I’ll be proven right in the months to come.

So join me in welcoming Kristi and stay tuned for the summer movie onslaught.

Time for me to eat crow. In this year’s Summer Movie Extravaganza, I picked this to be the worst of the summer. From the beginning, I’ve greeted the X-Men: First Class trailer with scorn and derision.  Questioning its mere existence like a father to his daughter’s first date.  X-Men 3: The Last Stand was garbage and that Wolverine movie ranks in my Top 10 Crapfests of all time.  I was over the X-Men.  I did not want another reboot with new actors. So I allied with PETF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Franchises) and desperately wished Hollywood would stop milking and give the poor cow some rest.

As it turns out, X-Men: First Class is one of the best of the summer.

The story takes place in the 1960s, during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Mutants are just now “coming out” and there’s a secret branch of the CIA established to research them. They hire Charles Xavier, a professor from Oxford, to help start the organization. Add some mutants on the Soviet side and you get a nice “reimaging” of the Cold War.

I’ve written before of my hatred of origin stories – especially those for comic book characters. They always focus on the discovery of the powers and leave very little time for actual character development. Here, everyone already has their powers so there’s time to explore more complex relationships. Professor X and Magneto are friends trying to prevent nuclear war against a common enemy. Watching them drift apart makes a great story that transcends the fantasy of it all.

I have no idea where they go with the franchise from here. But for this outing, it’s worth your $10.

Grade: A