Did you ever have that one teacher that was so horrible that you will  never ever forget them? Well, this will be one of those movies that you never forget or forgive yourself for wasting time and money to see. It’s just like that bad teacher you hate to remember, but for some reason they just won’t leave your memories alone!

The premise of the film is that Cameron Diaz’s character is a teacher who doesn’t care a whit about her students or her job. Her only goal in life is to marry someone wealthy. In order to do this she plots and schemes to win the man of her dreams.

This film was filled with unnecessary language that I’m assuming was supposed to make the film more appealing comically, while in reality all it did was make me shake my head and sigh. I just kept thinking of how harsh of a review I gave Green Lantern and at the time I would have given anything to be in the theater next door watching that instead of the horse manure that Bad Teacher flung at me.

The only redeeming quality about this movie was Jason Segel’s character. Segel actually delivered his lines well and was mildly funny, whereas Diaz and Timberlake were just awkward and pathetic.

Bad Teacher was a bad, bad movie and I give it a big fat D! Please if you want to see a movie and your options are between Bad Teacher and Green Lantern, then see Green Lantern! Or better yet save your money and wait for something better to come to theaters (or buy yourself something pretty).

Grade: D

John’s take…

Who spends money on a Cameron Diaz movie?

Who knows what you are going to get when you watch a Darren Aronofsky film? In, Requiem for a Dream, there were drugs, infected arms and editing techniques that film professors inevitably use in their intro to film classes. So, when the Black Swan previews started showing up on the internet I knew I had to see the movie.I mean seriously, who can say no to a preview that shows a ballerina picking black feathers out of her shoulder?

Black Swan was nominated in five categories in this years Academy Awards, but only won ‘Best Leading Actress’ for Natalie Portman’s role as Nina. Of course this film was up against: The King’s Speech, The Social Network, True Grit, The Fighter and 127 Hours.

The movie follows a young ballerina, Nina (Natalie Portman), who has been training her entire life to become the Prima ballerina for the New York City Company. The ballet that is chosen is Swan Lake, but with a twist, she has to play both the white swan and the black swan. As the film progresses we see how easily Portman’s character fulfills the role of the perfect, white swan, but has the inability to portray the evil, black swan.

This film is interesting because of the dual personality that we, the audience, sees as we watch Nina slowly go crazy. With vivid imagery Aronofsky shows us how Nina’s health mentally and physically decline as she tries to please those around her, but at the same time trying to please herself, literally and figuratively.

I watched this in a theater with my friend and maybe ten other people and I have to say that like Requiem for a Dream, Aronofsky used editing, cinematography and sound in a way that made me slightly uncomfortable, but always left me wanting to see more. I want to say it was like a car accident that looks absolutely gruesome and you want to look away, but can’t. In this case instead of being a horrible event, it was a work of art and beautiful. There are times when I disagree with content in films, but even the girl on girl and Nina’s masturbatory scenes in this film were necessary to furthering the character development, because that is what drives this film.

In the end I have to give this film an A+, but I will say that I don’t think this film is for everyone and if you don’t appreciate gruesome and somewhat explicit images, then stay away from this film.

Grade: A+

John’s Take…

Kristi and I get along so well because we are both damaged people who enjoy movies normal folks should avoid.  I don’t know why I enjoy movies like Black Swan, Oldboy, or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Maybe it’s because of the intense, raw emotion most movies don’t approach.  Maybe it’s because of my pain.  Or maybe it’s because I’m just drawn to well-told, unique stories that don’t fit the Hollywood mold.

Black Swan is a movie you’ll only need to see once.  Then you’ll see it again when you make friends watch it just to enjoy those pained, “WTF are you making me watch?!” expressions on their face.  For this one, a good drinking game could be invented for every time a friend yells out, “Stop cutting your nails!!”  Good times ahead.

Now what makes this movie so good is how it portrays our hero’s decent into darkness.  I gotta believe that’s a monumental task since there’s only two hours to make it believable.  Few movies get it right.  Hell, George Lucas had three whole films and failed miserably.  Aronofsky and Natalie Portman pull it off brilliantly and that Oscar was well deserved.

Like Kristi said, Black Swan is not for normal, well-balanced people.  I know you’re going to see it anyway, but for all that is good and holy, don’t see it with your parents.

Grade: A+

With few exceptions, children in movies annoy me.  Yeah the acting is usually bad, but too often, they are used to wrap up plots in ways that belong in a Scooby-Do cartoon (if it weren’t for you meddling kids….*shakes fist).  They are only cast to appeal to a demographic I’m sure does not exist.  It’s hard to explain the extent of my irritation, but I feel the same when Shia LaBeouf comes onscreen.  Maybe that helps.

It wasn’t always this way, of course.  During my formative years, I would pedal my way through the woods behind the school with my homies.  I remember finding a dog carcass wrapped in an American Flag.  That was like buried zombie treasure.  The movies at that age reflected these adventurous times.  There was E.T., Stand by Me, The Goonies, The Neverending Story (a-a-aa, a-a-aa, a-a-aaa) – all classics that sated my inner explorer in ways a trip through the woods couldn’t (like how I never found a pirate ship.  Stupid Oklahoma).  Super 8 brought me back to those happy times.

Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams project.  In all of his films, he never gives anything away in the trailers.  It’s sad that’s so unique.  Here, you know some crazy stuff goes down around a group of kids and a train crash.  That’s it.  There were four of us in our group and someone asked, “So, what’s this about?”  None of us had any idea.  Exactly the way it should be for every movie.

Oh, I forgot to mention lens flare.  The dude loves lens flare.

So will Super 8 become a classic like those others?  I guess that’s for another generation to decide.  But for me, it deserves a spot right next to them.

And Hollywood, ELO during the credits helps every movie.  Just sayin…

Grade: A

Kristi’s Take…

What do you get when you mix E.T, Predator, Alien, and Spiderus (Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends, yes, I did just spend two months with kids, so the cartoons are stuck in my head)? You get one helluva of a sentient being!

After watching Cloverfield and literally getting sick because of the hand-held camera technique, I was loathe to see another JJ Abrams movie anytime soon. With so much mystery surrounding these projects I sometimes wonder if Abrams spent too much time on Alias and Lost. Do we really need the cloak and dagger routine to get us hyped about a movie that could potentially be a waste of money?In this case I say YES! While I may hate the suspense, it got me to the theater and I was pleasantly surprised with the end result.

Super 8 is set in 1979 and follows a group of kids shooting a short film during their summer break (and !BONUS! it’s a zombie flick, which does play during the credits so don’t jump up and leave immediately). As they are filming at an old train station they witness THE train accident and chaos ensues.

As chaotic as things become for the characters the film itself is pleasantly well paced, extremely entertaining and suspenseful. The plot line may be a little cliche, but that’s what makes this movie work and fun to watch. Kids cursing, young love, a big sentient being stealing things and people, zombie movies and so much more are what make this a movie worth watching in the theater. This movie won’t have quite the same impact if you wait for it on DVD, so go see it in the theater while you can.

I will give this summer flick an A and hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.

Did anyone else notice that Super 8-Kristi’s Take, rhymes?! Yeah, I’m excited about that.

Grade: A

“In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power…Green Lantern’s LIGHT!”

Green Lantern is a story about a pilot, Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds), who is chosen to be the newest Lantern for the intergalactic group of peace keepers, the Green Lantern Corps. In order to save Earth from Parallax, a fear consuming creature, Jordan must harness the power of the Ring, which can only be done through strength of character and willpower.

Unfortunately for Hal Jordan and for those of us who unwittingly paid $7.50 a ticket, Greg Berlanti, Michael Green (both known for their writing on Everwood, yuck) and other writers ruined this summers unexpected streak of pretty decent comic book made into film adaptations. The ‘power of Green Lantern’s light’ has regrettably been used as a force of evil under the direction of Martin Campbell (The Mask of Zorro, Casino Royale, Edge of Darkness) and these so called writers and I fear for their future projects.

Starting this summer of right was: Thor (from the Avengers), having grossed around $2.4m and given a 77% rating on Rottentomatoes.com, it had some amazing CGI and a plot that all viewers could enjoy. X-Men: First Class followed weeks later and despite the negative hype it blew viewers away and renewed the faith of many fanboys and girls. Grossing around $24.1m puttomg this comic recreation on the top of the charts, but, Alas! the pleasure couldn’t last.

Green Lantern was a shoddy piece of work and as a student and lover of film I am disgusted by the lack of direction and cohesion of this film. It was like the actors decided that delivering their lines was unimportant and the editors obviously thought for some reason they could do a half-ass job of putting it all together. In the end it resulted in a catastrophe for all involved and that doesn’t even include some of the worst CGI I have ever seen.

The only redeeming quality in this film is the fact that we get to see Ryan Reynolds walk around in his knickers a portion of the time. Of course, if I really wanted to see that I could watch more than a few of his previous films in order to enjoy that lovely view.

I give this film a big C- and my heartfelt disapproval.

Grade: C-

Time for me to eat crow. In this year’s Summer Movie Extravaganza, I picked this to be the worst of the summer. From the beginning, I’ve greeted the X-Men: First Class trailer with scorn and derision.  Questioning its mere existence like a father to his daughter’s first date.  X-Men 3: The Last Stand was garbage and that Wolverine movie ranks in my Top 10 Crapfests of all time.  I was over the X-Men.  I did not want another reboot with new actors. So I allied with PETF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Franchises) and desperately wished Hollywood would stop milking and give the poor cow some rest.

As it turns out, X-Men: First Class is one of the best of the summer.

The story takes place in the 1960s, during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Mutants are just now “coming out” and there’s a secret branch of the CIA established to research them. They hire Charles Xavier, a professor from Oxford, to help start the organization. Add some mutants on the Soviet side and you get a nice “reimaging” of the Cold War.

I’ve written before of my hatred of origin stories – especially those for comic book characters. They always focus on the discovery of the powers and leave very little time for actual character development. Here, everyone already has their powers so there’s time to explore more complex relationships. Professor X and Magneto are friends trying to prevent nuclear war against a common enemy. Watching them drift apart makes a great story that transcends the fantasy of it all.

I have no idea where they go with the franchise from here. But for this outing, it’s worth your $10.

Grade: A

You know what gets in the way of a good movie?  Physics.  After four attempts, the Fast and the Furious franchise finally figured that out.  F’n A.

Now I have several friends who scoff at the idea of spending real money to see these.  In fact, I was once squarely in that camp (emphasis on square), until my friend Jason showed me the light.  I’m not a car guy.  I know more about how the GPS works than the carburetor.  But after a marathon of the first three movies, I was hooked.

Everyone likes fast cars, I finally realized.  It’s just buried under “responsibility” or some other pusillanimous excuse ($5 word of the day).  Don’t believe me?  Try and watch just a single episode of Top Gear (U.K.).  It’s impossible.  Also, I bet the meekest of you has raced someone off the line at a red light.  And every time you won, you thought, “Yep… still a bad ass.”

The Fast and the Furious movies are best experienced on the opening weekend.  After the show, every engine in the parking lot revs a bit more than normal.  Most cars shine from the new wax job.  Tires squeal with delight around corners.  Exhaust approaches your nose like the Old Spice Guy – “Hello nostrils.”  Accelerator pedals start screaming, “Give it to me!  Give it to me hard!”  It’s all very magical.

Go see Fast Five.  It’s good for your soul.  And for those that haven’t missed one, stay for the credits.

Grade: A-

The novelization of The A-Team, if written one hundred years ago, would be considered classic literature by today’s standards.  Never before has an action movie explored those themes that affect the deepest core of our being. And not just for men.

The opening scene has the Alpha-Unit, or A-Team, fleeing Mexico in an old medical helicopter.  To escape a pursuing Mexican chopper, our A-Team pilot, Murdoch, executes a series of barrel rolls and stall dives to avoid heat-seeking missiles.  But you say that’s impossible.  Exactly.  Much like our lives, things seem impossible until we try.  The A-Team teaches us that we will succeed.

In another scene, the A-Team is gathered in a tank that has parachuted from an exploding cargo plane.  Going from bad to worse, a few parachutes get shot up, accelerating their decent.  They spot a lake far in the distance and recognize that’s the best place for a safe landing.  But how to get there.  They are in a tank.  Refusing to acknowledge the man-made inadequacies of a tank, they fire the cannon to the side, using physics to propel them towards the lake.  Still descending much too rapidly, they fire the cannon towards the ground to slow them to a safe splash landing.

This is obviously an analogy of our lives.  Too often we feel like a tank, unable to move, barreling head first into certain destruction.  But the lesson is that small choices can lead us to safety.  We just need the courage to act on them.

And finally, and perhaps the most important lesson of The A-Team; the new Mr. T struggles to accept who he is.  He feels maybe he shouldn’t be Mr. T.  Instead, maybe he should be Ghandi.  How many of you have thought, “Ya know, I just can’t be Mr. T today”?  I know I have.  It’s tragic, but still a very real fact of life.  Thankfully, I have lots of friends – my personal A-Team, who can come around me and say, “No John, you can be Mr. T.  We see it.  And we’ll be here until you do to.”

Powerful stuff.  It’s all onions up in here.  Go see The A-Team.  Bring tissues.

Grade: A