The Transformers franchise has had its share of problems. Mainly:

-Transformers 1
-Transformers 2
-All of the Transformers look the same.
-All of the Transformers look stupid.
-The plots are insipid.
-The action is confusing.
-The Transformers have no personality or character arcs.
-Michael Bay
-Shia LaBeouf

So now we have #3 and shockingly, it’s the best of the series.  Don’t get me wrong, this is still crap.  Just more refined crap that isn’t as bad as the others… like the Black Eyed Peas vs. Glee covering the Black Eyed Peas.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (that title never gets any better) is the first 3D movie for Michael Bay.  Walking into the theater, I gave last rites for my eyes.  Thankfully,  the 3D was the best part of the movie.  Even in 2D, the benefits will be noticed.

In the previous Transformers, all the action was filmed with quick cuts and Shaky-Cam.  If a director does that in 3D, eyeballs explode (This also happens in 2D, but directors don’t seem to care).  Now, since Bay has to film action scenes like a normal person, everything stays in focus.  So when a robot rips the spine out of another, you can actually see what’s going on.  No more confusing metal-on-metal carnage in split-second Shaky-Cam.  Brilliant!  I was so shocked that I could follow the action, I doubted I was seeing a Michael Bay movie.  But just as those thoughts came to mind, the camera would slowly rotate around someone and I’d think, “Ah yes.  There we go.”

Sadly, that’s the only good part of this movie.  The plot is better, but still kinda dumb.  And speaking of dumb, Megan Fox was replaced by someone even more vapid.  Never thought that was possible.  And why does Shia LaBeouf still land acting roles?  The dude ignites a rage I leave reserved for doggie sweaters and social media experts.  Did you hear they might continue the Indiana Jones franchise with him?  This is why we can’t have nice things.

If you hated the other two, this one is worth a look.  If you loved the others, then you obviously will like anything, and you should go knock your socks off.

Grade: C+

Kristi’s Take…

Like my fellow movie muse-r (hey, it’s the only way to use a made up word without the red squiggle telling me how wrong I am, so just go with it) I was extremely ambivalent about the third installment of this franchise, but I was surprised that I didn’t gouge my eyes out half way through the movie.

My issues with the Transformer movies all revolve around the chaotic nature of the cinematography and the lack of a plot, but I was willing to keep trying for my beloved Bumblebee. Bay definitely cleaned up his act with this film by giving it a somewhat workable plot and with some unusual casting choices. I also have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the original television footage used from the moon landing, the fake John F. Kennedy and a very special appearance by a very old astronaut.

Even though Bay apparently cleaned up his work I still think this film and the others are way to long and could use a good 1/2 hour chopped out of it somewhere (maybe the girlfriend stuff or the parents).

The lack of movie choices these past couple of weeks makes me want to give this movie a better rating than a C+, but I think the highest I could go is a B- and only it fulfills an action quota that most guys (and some gals) feel they need once a month.

This is waaaaay better than the new Selena Gomez movie, Monte Carlo. Don’t ask. I’m ashamed for myself. Just like I’m ashamed to say that I think Shia Labeouf (what a stupid name, his parents must hate him) is cute in that nerd/terrible actor kind of way.

Grade: C+ or B-

With few exceptions, children in movies annoy me.  Yeah the acting is usually bad, but too often, they are used to wrap up plots in ways that belong in a Scooby-Do cartoon (if it weren’t for you meddling kids….*shakes fist).  They are only cast to appeal to a demographic I’m sure does not exist.  It’s hard to explain the extent of my irritation, but I feel the same when Shia LaBeouf comes onscreen.  Maybe that helps.

It wasn’t always this way, of course.  During my formative years, I would pedal my way through the woods behind the school with my homies.  I remember finding a dog carcass wrapped in an American Flag.  That was like buried zombie treasure.  The movies at that age reflected these adventurous times.  There was E.T., Stand by Me, The Goonies, The Neverending Story (a-a-aa, a-a-aa, a-a-aaa) – all classics that sated my inner explorer in ways a trip through the woods couldn’t (like how I never found a pirate ship.  Stupid Oklahoma).  Super 8 brought me back to those happy times.

Super 8 is a J.J. Abrams project.  In all of his films, he never gives anything away in the trailers.  It’s sad that’s so unique.  Here, you know some crazy stuff goes down around a group of kids and a train crash.  That’s it.  There were four of us in our group and someone asked, “So, what’s this about?”  None of us had any idea.  Exactly the way it should be for every movie.

Oh, I forgot to mention lens flare.  The dude loves lens flare.

So will Super 8 become a classic like those others?  I guess that’s for another generation to decide.  But for me, it deserves a spot right next to them.

And Hollywood, ELO during the credits helps every movie.  Just sayin…

Grade: A

Kristi’s Take…

What do you get when you mix E.T, Predator, Alien, and Spiderus (Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends, yes, I did just spend two months with kids, so the cartoons are stuck in my head)? You get one helluva of a sentient being!

After watching Cloverfield and literally getting sick because of the hand-held camera technique, I was loathe to see another JJ Abrams movie anytime soon. With so much mystery surrounding these projects I sometimes wonder if Abrams spent too much time on Alias and Lost. Do we really need the cloak and dagger routine to get us hyped about a movie that could potentially be a waste of money?In this case I say YES! While I may hate the suspense, it got me to the theater and I was pleasantly surprised with the end result.

Super 8 is set in 1979 and follows a group of kids shooting a short film during their summer break (and !BONUS! it’s a zombie flick, which does play during the credits so don’t jump up and leave immediately). As they are filming at an old train station they witness THE train accident and chaos ensues.

As chaotic as things become for the characters the film itself is pleasantly well paced, extremely entertaining and suspenseful. The plot line may be a little cliche, but that’s what makes this movie work and fun to watch. Kids cursing, young love, a big sentient being stealing things and people, zombie movies and so much more are what make this a movie worth watching in the theater. This movie won’t have quite the same impact if you wait for it on DVD, so go see it in the theater while you can.

I will give this summer flick an A and hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.

Did anyone else notice that Super 8-Kristi’s Take, rhymes?! Yeah, I’m excited about that.

Grade: A

I have a guest writer!  My evil cohort and fellow film addict, Kristi, will be joining the site next week.  Like most things in life, having a woman around will help classy-up the place.  This corner of the internet is probably too far gone to make much of a difference, but hey, it’s worth a shot.

Kristi will be writing her own reviews but in those times we both see a movie, things will get exciting.  The review will be like normal, but afterwards, you’ll see “John’s take…” or “Kristi’s take…” where we prove to you how the other of us has no taste and should be ignored.  I’m really excited about how many times I’ll be proven right in the months to come.

So join me in welcoming Kristi and stay tuned for the summer movie onslaught.

 

Time for me to eat crow. In this year’s Summer Movie Extravaganza, I picked this to be the worst of the summer. From the beginning, I’ve greeted the X-Men: First Class trailer with scorn and derision.  Questioning its mere existence like a father to his daughter’s first date.  X-Men 3: The Last Stand was garbage and that Wolverine movie ranks in my Top 10 Crapfests of all time.  I was over the X-Men.  I did not want another reboot with new actors. So I allied with PETF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Franchises) and desperately wished Hollywood would stop milking and give the poor cow some rest.

As it turns out, X-Men: First Class is one of the best of the summer.

The story takes place in the 1960s, during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Mutants are just now “coming out” and there’s a secret branch of the CIA established to research them. They hire Charles Xavier, a professor from Oxford, to help start the organization. Add some mutants on the Soviet side and you get a nice “reimaging” of the Cold War.

I’ve written before of my hatred of origin stories – especially those for comic book characters. They always focus on the discovery of the powers and leave very little time for actual character development. Here, everyone already has their powers so there’s time to explore more complex relationships. Professor X and Magneto are friends trying to prevent nuclear war against a common enemy. Watching them drift apart makes a great story that transcends the fantasy of it all.

I have no idea where they go with the franchise from here. But for this outing, it’s worth your $10.

Grade: A

You know what gets in the way of a good movie?  Physics.  After four attempts, the Fast and the Furious franchise finally figured that out.  F’n A.

Now I have several friends who scoff at the idea of spending real money to see these.  In fact, I was once squarely in that camp (emphasis on square), until my friend Jason showed me the light.  I’m not a car guy.  I know more about how the GPS works than the carburetor.  But after a marathon of the first three movies, I was hooked.

Everyone likes fast cars, I finally realized.  It’s just buried under “responsibility” or some other pusillanimous excuse ($5 word of the day).  Don’t believe me?  Try and watch just a single episode of Top Gear (U.K.).  It’s impossible.  Also, I bet the meekest of you has raced someone off the line at a red light.  And every time you won, you thought, “Yep… still a bad ass.”

The Fast and the Furious movies are best experienced on the opening weekend.  After the show, every engine in the parking lot revs a bit more than normal.  Most cars shine from the new wax job.  Tires squeal with delight around corners.  Exhaust approaches your nose like the Old Spice Guy – “Hello nostrils.”  Accelerator pedals start screaming, “Give it to me!  Give it to me hard!”  It’s all very magical.

Go see Fast Five.  It’s good for your soul.  And for those that haven’t missed one, stay for the credits.

Grade: A-

Holy crap!  Where did the year go?  Summer is upon us, so here’s our annual look at what Hollywood is serving.

 

May 6

• Something Borrowed – Chick Flick about some girl who sleeps with her best friend’s fiance.  I’m guessing the best friend ends up thanking her for saving her from marrying the wrong guy.
• Thor – Proof Hollywood has run out of comic books to make movies about.

 

May 13

• Bridesmaids – It’s like the girl version of The Hangover, but without the humor.
• Priest – No, no.  Sorry.  THIS is proof Hollywood has run out of comics.

 

May 20

• Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides – Finally, we discover if Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly were the reasons number 3 was so awful.

 

May 26

• The Hangover: Part 2 – More hilarious debauchery.  This time in Bangkok.  Yes!
• Kung Fu Panda 2 – Loved the first one.  I’ll see this, too.

 

June 3

• X-Men: First Class – It’s like Tiny Tunes with X-Men.  My pick for worst movie of the summer.

 

June 10

• Judy Moody and the NOT Bummer Summer – HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  What?
• Super 8 – Another JJ Abrams super secret project (But not his 8th).  I hope it’s better than Cloverfield.

 

June 17

• Green Lantern – Ugh.  Can 2012 get here so we can have another Batman movie?
• Mr. Popper’s Penguins – Mr. Popper’s Penguins present a bummer summer?

 

June 24

• Bad Teacher - Cameron Diaz in a teacher comedy.  That’s probably the film’s only joke.
• Cars 2 – Pixar sells out.  Their worst franchise gets a sequel because they sell a crapload of crap to kids.  But hey, more money for them means more Pixar movies for us.  That’s not a bad thing, right?

 

July 1

• Larry Crowne – A Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts movie I have never heard of.  Anyone?
• Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon – Worst.Title.Ever.
• Monte Carlo – This is what the girls will see while the boys are at Transformers.

 

July 8

• Horrible Bosses – Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman murder their bosses.  A romantic comedy?
• One Day – A look at two people as they randomly run into each other over the years.  Sadly, these two people are not ninjas.
• The Zookeeper - A Kevin James… “comedy.”  You know, like that mall cop movie.

 

July 15

• Harry Potter 7: Part 2 – Wanna feel old?  The first one came out 10 years ago.
• Winnie the Pooh – Did you hear about his cookbook?  Cooking with Pooh.

 

July 22

• Captain America: The First Avenger – AMERICA!  F*&^ YEAH!
• Friends with Benefits – Another movie with an appropriate use of an F-bomb.

 

July 29

• Cowboys & Aliens – Daniel Craig AND Harrison Ford as cowboys? And there’s aliens? Oh hell yes.
• Crazy, Stupid, Love – Causes Cramps, Vomiting, Diarrhea.
• The Smurfs – Who was asking for this?  Seriously.  You need a punch in the face.

 

August 5

• The Change-Up – Here’s something unique.  Two people magically swap lives for a short time.  How wonderful.  *gag
• Rise of the Planet of the Apes – James Franco channels Charlton Heston smoking weed.

 

August 12

• 30 Minutes or Less – Hahahaha.  A pizza delivery driver has to rob a bank within 30 minutes.  Genius.
• Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – Children’s comedy?  Probably not.
• The Help – 1960s drama about race relations in Mississippi.  Well that should be a happy story.

 

August 19

• Conan the Barbarian – This rebooted Conan better have an Austrian accent.
• Fright Night – They’ve done a few of these, right?
• Spy Kids 4 – Hipster Spy Kids were doing 3D before it was cool.

 

August 26th

• Final Destination 5 – Number 4 was gonna be the last.  But then it made more money than the rest of the series.  Suprise! We get another one.

 

And that’ll do it.  I count twelve sequels or reboots in four months.  Some things just never change…

 

The novelization of The A-Team, if written one hundred years ago, would be considered classic literature by today’s standards.  Never before has an action movie explored those themes that affect the deepest core of our being. And not just for men.

The opening scene has the Alpha-Unit, or A-Team, fleeing Mexico in an old medical helicopter.  To escape a pursuing Mexican chopper, our A-Team pilot, Murdoch, executes a series of barrel rolls and stall dives to avoid heat-seeking missiles.  But you say that’s impossible.  Exactly.  Much like our lives, things seem impossible until we try.  The A-Team teaches us that we will succeed.

In another scene, the A-Team is gathered in a tank that has parachuted from an exploding cargo plane.  Going from bad to worse, a few parachutes get shot up, accelerating their decent.  They spot a lake far in the distance and recognize that’s the best place for a safe landing.  But how to get there.  They are in a tank.  Refusing to acknowledge the man-made inadequacies of a tank, they fire the cannon to the side, using physics to propel them towards the lake.  Still descending much too rapidly, they fire the cannon towards the ground to slow them to a safe splash landing.

This is obviously an analogy of our lives.  Too often we feel like a tank, unable to move, barreling head first into certain destruction.  But the lesson is that small choices can lead us to safety.  We just need the courage to act on them.

And finally, and perhaps the most important lesson of The A-Team; the new Mr. T struggles to accept who he is.  He feels maybe he shouldn’t be Mr. T.  Instead, maybe he should be Ghandi.  How many of you have thought, “Ya know, I just can’t be Mr. T today”?  I know I have.  It’s tragic, but still a very real fact of life.  Thankfully, I have lots of friends – my personal A-Team, who can come around me and say, “No John, you can be Mr. T.  We see it.  And we’ll be here until you do to.”

Powerful stuff.  It’s all onions up in here.  Go see The A-Team.  Bring tissues.

Grade: A