John’s Movie Musings

I wasn’t all that impressed with the first Madagascar.  The animated talking animal genre was getting a little stale, and Madagascar only made people start looking for mold.

The movie wasn’t a total loss, however.  There were some penguins that provided some good laughs and Sasha Baron Cohen’s lemur carried the rest of the cast (admittedly, not exactly a tough challenge).  Oh and there was that dance song.  Most of you probably hated that, but I have the sense of humor of a twelve year old and LOL’d.

In Madagascar 2, guess what three elements all come together in the opening scene?  You got it.  Penguins and Lemurs all dancing to “You got to move it, move it.”  That, my friends, is what you call a bad entrance.  Remember my point above about things going stale?  Imagine Madagascar 1 is a loaf of mostly stale bread.  If you break off the bad parts of the loaf and present what’s left a couple years later, that too will be stale.

Thankfully, Dreamworks picked things up quickly.  Not only did the story get better (better than the original, by far), but they managed to avoid pop-culture jokes.  Mostly.  They actually tried to inject real humor into a pretty decent story.  Every story should get props for that.

And speaking of humor.  There’s a scene about a volcano god and the sacrifices it requires that left me rolling.  Er, ROFL-ing.

In summation, Madagascar 2 starts weak, but quickly grows into a much better film that the original.  Not too many sequels you can say that about.

Grade: B

Jason Statham is a pretty decent action star.  He’s no Arnold or Sly, but within this era’s complete lack of manliness, he definitely brings a healthy dose of manergy.  Unfortunately, most of his movies are crap.

Transporter 3 stands out for the sheer fact they made three of these.  Now I’m not dissing action flicks.   They are the White Castle of our cinema diet.  Necessary to maintain sanity and appreciation of quality.  The Transporter series has a shocking longevity because Jason Statham also stars in the Crank movies, basically playing the same character.  Before Transporter 3 there’s a trailer for Crank 2 which only makes me try to figure out where that one fits in the timeline of this whole universe.

So what’s wrong with Transporter 3?  First off, there’s a transporter not named Scotty.  Yeah, that’s a shout out to all the Trekkies before their beloved series gets raped by the cast of Dawson’s Creek this summer.

Secondly, the lead actress does a fantastic job of pretending to be a robot.  Unfortunately, she’s all human which only means I saw better acting from the plastic model in Lars and the Real Girl.

One good thing?  It’s better than Transporter 2.

Grade: C-

Remember Fargo?  When I first watched it, my thought process went something like, “I’m thoroughly enjoying this quirky tale of – HOLY CRAP THAT’S VIOLENT!!!”  If you want to call that a formula, Burn After Reading follows it perfectly.

When the movie was in theaters, the only thing I heard was that it wasn’t as good as Fargo.  That’s probably a fair statement, but I enjoyed the story nonetheless. Instead of North Dakota, this caper-gone-wrong takes place in Washington DC.  The only important change is that there aren’t any funny accents.

It stars your typical crew of Clooney friends, but Brad Pitt is the standout.  This is my favorite role of his since Twelve Monkeys.  During the scenes without him, I was acting like a preteen schoolgirl wondering when I could see Brad again.

If you like the Coen Brothers’ movies, then definitely watch this.  Yeah, it’s probably not as good as Fargo, but it’s still worth watching.  Especially if you enjoy quirky tales with shockingly violent scenes.

Grade: A-

Coraline is a children’s horror story.  I haven’t read Neil Gaiman’s short story to know if he’s to blame for this mixed up combination, or if it’s the director’s warped stylings.  Regardless, I think there’s a special level of hell reserved for those who make bizarre mash-ups like this.  Like the person who thought it was a good idea to put pineapple on pizza.

All that makes Coraline a very tough sell.  It’s too scary for kids and I don’t know many adults itching to see a movie about dolls.  I wanted to see it simply for the 3D.  I missed it early in its run when it was replaced by the Jonas Brothers 3D, but in a story certain to warm your cockles, the Jonas Brothers tanked at the box office.  So Coraline 3D is back.  Yay me.

What’s fascinating about the movie is that it’s the first stop motion movie made in 3D (The Nightmare Before Christmas was converted later).  That means they had two cameras set up for every shot.  With stop motion, I heard they averaged about six seconds of footage every week.  With the constant adjustments needed for seamless 3D cuts and scene changes, Coraline is an enormous technical success.  Had they failed, your eyes would have exploded.  Trust me.

But technical successes don’t mean much to most folks.  Afterall, those are the Oscars that get presented at “an event earlier in the week” with no cameras, no stars, and no sympathy.  So while your eyes may not explode, your brain may fry as you try and figure out why this movie was made.

Grade: C

Sometimes there are events that cause geeks around the planet to sit up (well, not slouch as much) and take notice.  Think about the last time you encroached a prairie dog town.  It’s like that, only on Twitter.

The most recent of these events is Watchmen.  Now I only got introduced to the story a few months ago, so I am not the guy to give you all the gory details of why a movie of the “unfilmable” comic is important.  If you just twitched when I called it a comic and not a graphic novel, perhaps you could shed some light on its significance in the comments.

That said, I do recognize why people hold this com- graphic novel in such high regard.  Rarely do we get a superhero story with such flawed heroes.  I know we get flawed Heroes every Monday night, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  Watchmen deals with themes that wouldn’t even exist in the nightmares of other superhero stories.  It’s dark, gritty, and graphic.  And for those not living in paradise, exactly how most would describe our world.  That’s part of why Watchmen is so special.  The story causes you to think not just about good and evil, but ends and means.

This is Zack Snyder’s first movie since 300.  If you saw that (and you should), you’ve got a pretty good idea of his style.  He’s sort of developing a fixation for ripped men, but overall, I like how he frames his scenes and plays with timing.  I just pray he never makes a Smurfs movie.

If you’re on the fence with this, you’re not going to come away thinking this is the greatest movie of all time.  But give it a rental if you tend to avoid things like reading.

Grade: A

I discovered something while watching Guy Ritchie’s latest.  He has either lost something these past few years, or he’s a genius and I can only stand in vapid silence trying to think of something witty as drool strings down my chest.

RockNRolla begs to be spoken with an English accent.  The word is like “sarsaparilla” when trying to sound like a cowboy.  Like all of Guy Ritchie’s films, there are about six loosely connected plotlines that eventually converge.  Picture the Union Jack with a big bow in the middle.  Now that image is either incredibly insightful, or I just pissed off all my pals across the Pond.  Perhaps both.

I think my biggest problem with RockNRolla was that the plotline I found most interesting was the one that got pushed to the side the quickest.  It’s hard to focus on a movie when I’m wondering when they’re gonna get back to the Russians.

On the plus side, I now have two movies where Gerard Butler stands out.  As awesome as it would have been for him to play Leonidas, his character was one of the few I enjoyed.  The main “rock ‘n rolla” was highly annoying and I just wished he’d shut up.  Or get shot.  Maybe they can call the sequel RockNSparta.

Grade: C+

Imagine this scenario:  You are emo.  You’ve decided to take a short break from cutting yourself (a laceration vacation, if you will) and have grown bored.  So you meet up with your friends to vandalize a spooky graveyard.  In the process you release the undead guardian spirit of Chinese miners.  What do you do?

Well, if you happen to be a fan of fine, B-grade horror movies, you call Bruce Campbell.  Those of you who don’t know who that is, he holds the fine distinction of making every movie better had he been cast in it.  Seriously.  He made Spider-Man 3 tolerable.  And just think of the joy Across the Universe with a Boomstick would have given us.

So yeah, this is pure, unadulterated cheese.  Actually, it is a little adulterated.  The beheadings to runtime ratio is large, even for a B-movie horror flick.  But this cheese stars Bruce Campbell as Bruce Campbell. Not even the awesomeness of Jack Black infused with Chuck Norris could touch that.

Now in order to get the greatest appreciation of this, it’s best that you see at least one movie where Mr. Campbell does not play Ash.  Understand that at least one viewing of Army of Darkness is required just to succeed at life.  For enjoyment of My Name is Bruce, I recommend Bubba Ho-Tep.  But it doesn’t really matter.  Alcohol helps, too.

Grade: A